Take control of your life - issue a restraining order

Dear Annie: My toxic mother has put a strain on my fam­ily. Two years ago, she got into a fight with my hus­band, and I sided with him. Life has been a liv­ing hell ever since. She con­stantly calls and leaves hor­ri­ble mes­sages on our voice­mail. She has turned fam­ily and friends against us.

Our kids are scared to death of her, but she has told every­one that I turned the chil­dren against her for no rea­son. Of course, she would never admit doing any­thing wrong. She’s been like this since I can remem­ber. She tor­mented me dur­ing my child­hood. My psy­chi­a­trist says she has men­tal health issues, and our lawyer says she prob­a­bly won’t fol­low a restrain­ing order.

My hus­band says to ignore her, but that’s impos­si­ble. My chil­dren and I want to move. I have panic attacks every time I see her phone num­ber show up on our Caller ID. When she doesn’t call, I’m on pins and nee­dles wait­ing for the inevitable. I dread leav­ing the house, because I worry about run­ning into her somewhere.

How do I con­vince my hus­band that it’s in our best inter­ests to move? If he won’t, how do I get my mother to leave us alone? — On the Edge

Dear Edge: You can­not change your men­tally ill mother’s behav­ior unless she is coop­er­a­tive. And ask­ing your hus­band to move is a big step, espe­cially if it means leav­ing his job. While run­ning away might be help­ful in the short term, unless you plan to go into the wit­ness pro­tec­tion pro­gram, Mom even­tu­ally will find you.

Instead, take con­trol of your life. Issue that restrain­ing order, and if Mom vio­lates it, call the police. Get an unlisted phone num­ber. Refuse to let her bully you. Then, if you still wish to move, you and your hus­band will have time to find jobs and a home in a new loca­tion rather than let­ting Mom chase you out of town. We also sug­gest you dis­cuss this with your ther­a­pist and work on ways to feel safe.

Dear Annie: In our small social group, the wives insist on attend­ing a local event in which the hus­bands have zero inter­est. When I have sug­gested politely that the wives go with­out us, they become irri­tated and veto this plan.

I know a hus­band who drags his wife to sport­ing events where she puts in earplugs and reads a novel. Why do peo­ple insist that their spouses attend events whether they want to or not? Is it power and con­trol? A test of one’s loyalty?

Please urge your read­ers to attend these things with those who enjoy them and allow the rest of us to bow out. — Going but Resent­ing It

Dear Going: There are myr­iad rea­sons peo­ple do this, although some sim­ply want their spouses to enjoy what they do and keep them com­pany. And there are instances where going to some­thing that doesn’t inter­est you can lead to actual enjoy­ment and expand your social reper­toire. But we agree that if it’s the same event repeat­edly, you shouldn’t have to keep going — pro­vided your spouse has some­one else with whom to attend.

Dear Annie: Please tell “Dis­traught Wife” and any other per­son strug­gling with opi­oid addic­tion to talk to a doc­tor and ask about Sub­ox­one. This is a drug for addicts that will help them get off the stronger, addic­tive drugs in a mat­ter of days. It does involve a cou­ple of days of dis­com­fort, but after that, the desire is gone. — Anonymous

Dear Anony­mous: Sub­ox­one is a med­ica­tion approved for the treat­ment of opi­ate depen­dence, and it has a lower poten­tial for abuse than methadone. Com­mon side effects include flu-like symp­toms, headaches, sweat­ing, nau­sea, sleep­ing dif­fi­cul­ties and mood swings, and Sub­ox­one has been asso­ci­ated with dif­fi­culty breath­ing, espe­cially when com­bined with other depres­sants. But under a doctor’s super­vi­sion, it can help an addict get sober.

Annie’s Mail­box is writ­ten by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, long­time edi­tors of the Ann Lan­ders col­umn. Please email your ques­tions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mail­box, c/o Cre­ators Syn­di­cate, 737 3rd Street, Her­mosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mail­box and read fea­tures by other Cre­ators Syn­di­cate writ­ers and car­toon­ists, visit the Cre­ators Syn­di­cate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Posted by Guest 1 Columnist on Aug 23 2012. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS Feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.