Ask Aunt Abby

Aunt Abby: I have dili­gently observed my socks for the past week. The first few days they kept mov­ing closer together, but thwarted every attempt at catch­ing them in action. Soon, they clung together with lit­tle toe seams curled up into ecsta­tic smiles. Shiv­ers ran up my spine as I won­dered what would hap­pen next.

Faint rustling sounds came from the laun­dry room when they spent the night together in the dryer. Putting them away in the dresser drawer qui­eted them. Then one night I for­got and left the clothes in the dryer once more. I also over-looked your sug­ges­tion to leave the lights on.

I kept toss­ing and turn­ing all through the night, my body as rest­less as the socks. My dreams filled with danc­ing, mock­ing socks. Socks and shoes with no feet haunted me. It was one of the worst nights ever.

The next day, I decided it was time to end this mad­ness. Tip­toe­ing into the laun­dry room with the cun­ning of a cat, I quickly opened the dryer door. Imag­ine the hor­ror when the con­tents were writhing like a tan­gled mess of snakes.

Think­ing only of sav­ing them from them­selves, I threw myself to the chore. A tug-of-war ensued. Back and forth, the bat­tle raged. An inch at a time was the most gained. Each pair had a tight grip on the next pair’s tail. Finally, I fell back exhausted as the last pair gave up their strug­gle. I threw them from me with con­tempt. As they hit the floor, they fell back into the per­fect pairs that I had noticed before.

Some­thing drew me back to the black, open mouth of the dryer. I heard a faint lit­tle cry. Coura­geously, I moved slowly to reach into the dryer. Some­thing else hid inside. To my utter amaze­ment, out came three baby booties and sure enough their bot­toms were wet!

Aunt Abby, we don’t have any babies. What could this mean? Am I still dream­ing? — Socks Tobeme in Ohio

Dear Socks: You numb­skull! Don’t you know that it is spring and as such, it is mat­ing sea­son for every­thing includ­ing socks? My advice to you is to keep bathing the booties and make sure you dry their bot­toms well. Also, you need to keep them in good health. (They’re favorite food is toe jam and lint.) I hope that they will stretch out to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted adult socks some­day. It is up to you. Sin­cerely — Aunt Abby

P.S. The real vic­tims here are your socks. Through your neg­li­gence, sta­tic cling has taken over their soles. Why do you think they make dryer sheets?

Ask Aunt Abby is a cre­ation of writer Debra Shafer.

Posted by Guest 2 Columnist on Jan 17 2012. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS Feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.