Ask Aunt Abby
Aunt Abby: I have diligently observed my socks for the past week. The first few days they kept moving closer together, but thwarted every attempt at catching them in action. Soon, they clung together with little toe seams curled up into ecstatic smiles. Shivers ran up my spine as I wondered what would happen next.
Faint rustling sounds came from the laundry room when they spent the night together in the dryer. Putting them away in the dresser drawer quieted them. Then one night I forgot and left the clothes in the dryer once more. I also over-looked your suggestion to leave the lights on.
I kept tossing and turning all through the night, my body as restless as the socks. My dreams filled with dancing, mocking socks. Socks and shoes with no feet haunted me. It was one of the worst nights ever.
The next day, I decided it was time to end this madness. Tiptoeing into the laundry room with the cunning of a cat, I quickly opened the dryer door. Imagine the horror when the contents were writhing like a tangled mess of snakes.
Thinking only of saving them from themselves, I threw myself to the chore. A tug-of-war ensued. Back and forth, the battle raged. An inch at a time was the most gained. Each pair had a tight grip on the next pair’s tail. Finally, I fell back exhausted as the last pair gave up their struggle. I threw them from me with contempt. As they hit the floor, they fell back into the perfect pairs that I had noticed before.
Something drew me back to the black, open mouth of the dryer. I heard a faint little cry. Courageously, I moved slowly to reach into the dryer. Something else hid inside. To my utter amazement, out came three baby booties and sure enough their bottoms were wet!
Aunt Abby, we don’t have any babies. What could this mean? Am I still dreaming? — Socks Tobeme in Ohio
Dear Socks: You numbskull! Don’t you know that it is spring and as such, it is mating season for everything including socks? My advice to you is to keep bathing the booties and make sure you dry their bottoms well. Also, you need to keep them in good health. (They’re favorite food is toe jam and lint.) I hope that they will stretch out to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted adult socks someday. It is up to you. Sincerely — Aunt Abby
P.S. The real victims here are your socks. Through your negligence, static cling has taken over their soles. Why do you think they make dryer sheets?
Ask Aunt Abby is a creation of writer Debra Shafer.